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Every 21 Years, The NBA Gets it Right
By Tony Serri
Thanks, NBA. This season the league gave us big trades. It gave us the Kobe MVP season and the Celtics Big 3. Then it put them together in a Finals that actually got us watching the games instead of the highlights. Every 21 years or so, you get it right enough to keep us all coming back for another 21 more.
In the interest of tweaking the game that we love so very much (every 21 years or so), here are 21 rules I'd like to propose to help the time pass a little quicker.
1) The D Word Rule - the word "dynasty" can't be applied to teams that haven't won any championships a la the 2008 Lakers.
2) The Tommy Heinson Rule - all NBA playoff coverage must include at least 1 tobacco-voiced, craggy-faced analyst complaining about the officiating and mispronouncing Eastern European names.
3) The Lamar Odom Rule - no more talking about limitless potential and talent for players who are clearly limited
4) The Brent Barry Rule - there might not have been a Lakers - Celtics final had the officials made the right call in Game 4 of the
San Antonio Series. Oh.. I get it <wink>.
5) The Real Brent Barry Rule - call fouls throughout the game. There was no guarantee that Barry would have made any of those foul shots.
6) Break up The Detroit Pistons - year after year, the most over-hyped team since the "Superfriends". Amazingly, the Pistons see themselves as a Yankee-type colossus. But they are closer to the
90s Atlanta Braves. An admirable team for sure, but when all is said and done, only one championship to show for it.
7) Ban on Player Face Morphing - the face splitting commercials looked cool initially, but have gotten downright horrifying. If we've learned anything from the Bird - Magic morph, it's that Ebony and Ivory don't always live together in perfect harmony and that both of the guys need to hit the gym.
8) Ban of the Use of the "Warrior" - as applied to a K.G or anyone else who scowls. Note to the all the warriors in the league. Basketball can be fun.
9) The Karl Malone Ring Chasing Rule - thankfully, only two players broke this rule this year. Shaquille O'Neal who instead of anchoring a Suns championship anchored them to the floor, and Sam Cassell.
10) Kobe Maturity Rule - enough with the "amazing maturation of Kobe Bryant" story line. The implication was that Kobe was basketball's version of Bette Davis before this year.
11) Paul Pierce Rule - Phil Jackson looked silly and petulant complaining about Pierce's rapid recovery. If Pierce was a little hammy, then Jackson was the prima-donna complaining about sharing the spotlight.
12) The Rondo Ban - no more questions about the risk of having Rajon Rondo at point guard. He is out playing Derek Fisher by a mile.
13) The Derek Fisher Ban - aside from .04 against the '04 Spurs, Fisher has been a habitual playoff underperformer.
14) The Stuart Scott Rule - scientists have determined that prolonged exposure to Stuart Scott's empty enthusiasm and ceaseless catch-phrase making have been shown to decrease cognitive brain function.
15) Ray Allen Shot Minimum - something pure and powerful
in his shot. The ball seems to burst through the net like stunt motorcycle through a wall of flame.
16) Ban on Championship Ball Caps and T-Shirts - why would anyone think that the Laker players would treasure the ten-dollar souvenir cap that reads "2008 Western Conference Champs". I think they're going to remember this season just fine without it.
17) The Larry Bird Rule - If Magic has to sit in the stands at the new Boston arena, then its only fair that Larry has to sit in he stands of the Staples Center.
18) Lottery Compensation - The lottery system was instituted to keep teams from tanking games to get the top pick. NBA teams, even great ones have been tanking games since Wilt Chamberlain's date count was in the mid 10,000s. If a team wants to tank, let them. They will pay the price in revenue.
19) No More Jordan comparisons - Magic wasn't compared to the Big O. Bird wasn't compared to Elgin Baylor. Shaq wasn't compared to Wilt. Let the new guys carve out their own niche and we can get over the Jordan nostalgia
20) Break up The San Antonio Spurs - if I have to see Robert Horry get off that bench one more year…
21) Defensive Workshops - Teams like Phoenix have learned and maybe the Lakers will learn the hard way, defense works. The Celtics play it and manage not to be dull and dirty