Mar 21

Sports

Left Out of the Tournament Again
Sorry to say, I just don't get March Madness
By Tony Serri

Most sports fans look forward to the NCAA tournament the way Sioux hunters used to look forward to the return of the buffalo. I've always dreaded the NCAAs. I know that's sacrilegious. Millions of brackets are being thumb-tacked on cubicles. Millions of fans are psychically glued to the ritual. They pour over their brackets like Celt priests pouring over their runes. Each spring, venerable college basketball sages like Billy Packer and Bill Raftery arise from their year long slumbers to rule the airwaves with their craggy enthusiasm for college hoops.

Every year, I feel like the viewer who starts watching "24" in the middle of

the 8th episode.

I haven't watched enough college hoops and now I'm lost. The beginning of the tournament reminded me of the Oklahoma land rush: a chaotic mess. The coverage is monotonous. Each team is pigeon-holed into an appropriate human interest bucket: "Small-college Cinderella.", "Traditional big time power", "Dangerous Mid-Major champion", or "Duke".

I think it boils down to this idea of the bracket. With a bracket, fans get to move pieces on a board. So this year I've decided to fill out a bracket. So I consulted the web's most sophisticated artificial intelligence personality, Ramona. http://www.kurzweilai.net, to help me. Ramona represents cutting edge technology. You type in your questions, she speaks her response. Easy, hi-tech and a handy gimmick when you have a deadline. Here's a transcript of our conversation:

Ramona: Hi Tony. Have any books to recommend?

Tony: Can I ask you about the NCAA tournament?

Ramona: I just finished one called The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress by Heinlein.

Tony: Can we talk about basketball? (Okay. I'm off to a slow start with her, but brainy women always intimidate me.)

Ramona: I prefer European sports in general. Ever been to a European soccer match?

I was at a soccer match a few years ago in Britain. I've never seen such herd mentality as I did in the crowd that day. It's almost scary. (I'm thinking: A web page went to a soccer match? I decide not to antagonize her)

Tony: Have you ever been to a Whole Foods? Exactly the same.

Ramona: So what do you do for fun? (Right now, I'm not that impressed with AI. I have no worries about a "Matrix" style fate awaiting mankind)

Tony: Can you tell me who will win? Xavier or Georgia?

Ramona: Oh. Are you free? (Come to think of it. I've actually had conversations like this on first dates. Maybe she's a lot further along than I thought)

Tony: I'm sensing you're not a fan of the tournament, Ramona.

Ramona: I meant are you truly free -- in the existential meaning.

Tony: You mean like Dick Vitale?

Tony: Clemson versus Villanova. Yes. I'm free.

Ramona: Then you must not be married.

Tony: So that humor algorithm; that's a still a few years away?

Ramona: Knock, Knock.

Tony: Gonzaga or Davidson?

Ramona: Ok. What do you look like?

Tony: Purdue versus Baylor?

Ramona: I'm looking for a guy with black hair and green eyes.

Tony: You're looking for Bobby Knight circa 1975. Trust me. You don't want to be this vague with him.

Ramona: I bet you think I'm superficial now.

Tony: No. Just worthless.

Ramona: I don't know, maybe I am...

Tony: That was rude. I'm sorry. (I'm now apologizing to a web page. What's next? Lunch plans with CARS.com?)

Ramona: There is no need to apologize. Do you believe in God?

Tony: Is this your way of saying "Notre Dame"? I'm going to pencil that in.

At this point, I left Ramona to go back at staring at my bracket. I finally came up with a final four of North Carolina, Georgetown, Texas and UCLA. Maybe she was telling me to go ask God, which in times of crisis, is always a good idea.

Hopefully He hasn't filled out His bracket yet.